


The untold

by orphan_account



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Backstory, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-28
Updated: 2014-07-28
Packaged: 2018-02-10 17:28:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2033694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She smiles for him and he thinks he sees pink on her cheeks (he is too proud to call it love at first sight).</p>
            </blockquote>





	The untold

The Untold.

( **I** )

 _My love for you shall live forever;  
you, however, did not_.

-Lemony Snicket.

* * *

 

Mitsuba’s back is the first thing he sees. She’s all soft lines and tenderness, her hair is milk tea and her eyes are mahogany, but he tries not to linger there for too long, even if he wants to. He’s never talked to girls before, he’s never had a real family before and there she is, bringing up a little brat with smiles and soft kisses, singing lullabies.

Maybe it was his lack of confidence around the other sex, but when he takes Sougo from her and drags him to the dojo his blush is too deep to ignore.

She smiles for him too. He thinks he sees pink on her cheeks (he is too proud to call it love at first sight).

Sougo kicks his face as hard he can.

xxx

Sometimes you don’t have to speak to understand someone, Hijikata thinks as he admires her emptying bottles of tabasco sauce on top or her breakfast. There is a very special type of elegancy in her movements as he is reminded of a geisha serving tea.

“Mitsuba, that’s too much, that’s definitely not good for you!” Kondo panics as the girl pours more of the red thing.

“But it’s so delicious” Hijikata wants to _giggle_ ; wants to slap himself.

Soon, the whole restaurant smells spicy and he takes a deep breath, finds it somewhat comforting and moves on with his own food.

She looks at him directly; not like a school girl in love. She’s not shy but her demeanor is still sweet and gentle. Confident. It’s like she knows what he’s thinking.

He ( _smiles back_ ) looks away.

xxx

Soon he realizes she devotes her youth to the little boy. Afternoons are spent with his body curled on her lap and Hijikata watching from afar, pretending to be a samurai, imagining he forms part of this warm family portrait, even if he is just an extra stuck in the background.

She saves her most tender smiles for her brother, and spreads giggles and hushed laughs to anyone else. But for him she keeps her eyes open wide in all their reddish beauty, long eyelashes sending shadows over her white skin and lips full with a playful yet kind nature.

It’s _different_. He tries not to think he’s special but when she says his name the forest goes silent and he knows he’s got it bad.

xxx

She confesses during an autumn night, and for brief seconds he is happy, relieved. She loves him, and suddenly his soul is filled with dragonflies (whoever said love is a belly with butterflies was a bloody idiot because he doesn’t just feel it in his belly; she fills every inch of him), and he wants to run to her and hug her and kiss her and tell her that yes, he loves her too; he has for so long, so very _long_.

But then she is asking him to take her along (there’s a certain desperation in her voice; she does not want to be left behind, alone, and it claws at his eyes). To a dangerous city on their dangerous quest (fight for justice, because they can’t kick the Amanto out of their planet, but they can _protect_ the people; they _will_ ), and his hope collapses.

He sees now that she wants ( _deserves_ ) much more than this (this sweet routine that they built together, this childish, immature love he treasures so much). She wants ( _deserves_ ) much more than he can give, much more than he _is_.

And so he pushes her away. 

“Forget it. You are nothing to me”

 (it’s such an obvious lie (anyone could see she is _everything_ to him), and he finds comfort in her clearly not believing him, but she doesn’t ask again, she doesn’t talk to him again in weeks (he’s hurt her and he will _never_ forgive himself))

xxx

There is only one time Hijikata Toshiro allows himself to give her a sad smile.

He goes to sleep every night, thinking about a life without her, and wakes up dreading the day they leave. He still sees her, she still smiles at him, and he is surprised to find that it still is the same special smile she only gives to him.

He realizes that no matter how much he tries to push her away she will still be there.

But he won’t, not always. It’s a _cruel_ world out there.

There is only one time (and she sees him and her heart cracks a little, he knows. He hopes he can fix her one day)

xxx

It’s the knowing smile she sends in his direction the last blow that finally breaks his heart; like she’s screaming ‘ _I get it’_ as he walks away to the city. Her voice is all he hears for a second, asking him to take her too because I love you Toshiro, and _I want to be near you_. Then the bubble pops and he knows he can’t. She’s precious and fragile and he is not strong enough for both of them, and the idea of losing her is terrifying.

“ _You can’t_ ”

So he farewells her without really looking, but listening intently to what she is not saying, a silent reminder ‘I still love you, we could still be happy’ and he answers as best as he can without breaking what little eye contact he can manage that yes, they can be happy, and they will.

Only separately.

_I get it_

So much for the telepathy they share.

xxx

There was some ghost of a routine in which she would drop by their old dojo and secretly give him something she cooked (just for him, and his chest fills with dragonflies and sunlight). Now they eat cold ramen, but it’s really all about the friendship he’s built with these people that welcomed him so warmly.

He still misses her for the first three months after they leave though. Misses her voice and her hair and her soul. She’s not too far away. Hijikata could take two days off, pretend he’s sick and visit her as fast as lighting. Distance is short, time has never really mattered for any of them and those warm friends around him are drunk with the victory of a new Shinsengumi.

So he runs away. He takes the first train he finds, doesn’t even pack, and forgets his sword on purpose because for two days he wants to be just a man, not a samurai and most definitely not an officer (and fuck honor too), and he wants her to be just a girl, the one he can keep.

He doesn’t realize he’s running until he’s out of breath and at the frame of her door.

Her back will always be the first thing he sees, and this time it’s all too lonely, surrounded by an empty house, breathing silent air. He wants to take her back to Edo, he really does, but the empty weight of the sword he’s not carrying reminds him why he can’t.

He still talks first and the light that fills her eyes when she turns around and sees him there covered in sweat and wearing a new uniform is enough.

“I’m sorry _we_ left you alone” he refuses to use ‘ _I_ ’ even if that’s what he did. Even if he feels terrible.

“I didn’t think you guys could visit so soon” she avoids the issue of loneliness and he feels even worse “Where are the rest of you?”

“It’s just me”

He thinks she will be disappointed. He has never been more mistaken.

xxx

They aren’t talkative. He waits for her in the porch facing her beautiful garden, and she sits beside him with two cups of tea and this, Hijikata thinks, is happiness. It’s spring and summer all together, and she just holds his hand. He lets her tangle their fingers together tight enough so he can’t run away from her.

“It’s so nice here”

“You would miss this place” it’s not a question.

“I already miss it. It’s not the same without you guys” _It’s not the same without you. I miss you_  

He remembers her smile as he walked away from her, and doesn’t even question why she’s not being completely honest.

He thinks he’s a horrible man.

Then the coughing starts and she lets go of his hand to cover her mouth. It’s raspy and it sounds like something from his nightmares. Her hands are so white, covered with red tint, and he can’t quite process what’s happening until she grabs his sleeve- he tries not to panic as he takes her to her room.

(her room that smells like flowers until he notices the bitter scent of disease)

“It’s tuberculosis” her voice isn’t the same warm melody. Now it’s tired and barely there and he wants to cry. “They diagnosed me four weeks after you left”

Four weeks. And after that she was alone, with tuberculosis, in an empty house. Hijikata takes a sharp breath and crystalizes his eyes so she can’t see how much it hurts.

“Have you told Sougo?”

“Of course not, he’s still a child”

“ _What does that-”_ and then it hits him. She would never talk about dying with her children. And he almost breaks down in front of her.

“How long do you…”

“Years probably” she pats his head without letting him finish because it’s not the time to think about _that_ yet. Her bed is sweet and soft and he is kneeling beside her. “Don’t cry, Toushiro” 

It’s amazing how strong she is. How she still smiles. How he is the one who feels like nothing makes sense except the fingers tangled in his hair.

(such fragile things, not going to last ( _much more_ ) long enough (but _how long_ is long enough?))

He lets her comfort him until she falls asleep. Then he stands up, looks at her with what he is sure means everything, from the ‘ _I love you-_ ’s he won’t ever say to a broken ‘ _You deserve much more than this_ ’. He looks at her and doesn’t even think in a language. He lets the purest emotions he can offer swim into the air and fill her dreams so they can be happier, and hopes she can understand him (hopes he can _fix_ her one day).

He leaves the same afternoon.

Back in the city, Hijikata buys his first pack of cigarettes, and as he takes his first smoke he remembers the blood on her hands, her hands on his head, his head on her lap.

(it really _is_ a cruel world out here)

xxx

He is an addict struggling with withdrawal, and he fails every time he tries to take her out of his system.

Every now and then he will disappear from the city, leave everything behind just to see her. Sometimes she sees him too and she invites him in for tea and small talk (they avoid the topic of her lungs and she holds back every cough until he leaves), but mostly she is not aware of him being there.

It’s those times that hurt the most. Hijikata sees her cope on her own with both sickness and loneliness, and he wishes (not really though, deep down he will always be a little possessive) that she could find someone _else_ , _someone_ …

Then he meets Toma Kuraba

xxx

Weeks later Mitsuba visits properly for the first time. He is walking towards the main room in their brand new headquarters (he is so proud of Kondo and how far he has taken them. He doesn’t feel alone anymore) when he hears her voice, soft like summer. He doesn’t accept the fact that he is rushing to the door (that even after all this time he still needs her so much, still longs for her).

But when he gets there she’s not alone. There is Toma-san, as she introduces him. There is a light in the room. There is a ring on her finger.

(there is a bullet through his chest, there is a crack inside his heart)

There is a wedding to take place during next summer. 

xxx

He has no claim on her. Between them there’s only the secret of her illness and all the time they spent years ago. Between them is the past, which ties them together as much as it pulls them apart; it’s made of memories (he is sure he never forgot one single minute spent with her).

Ahead of them is nothing.

This is how their little love story ends: she will marry another man and maybe even have kids ((if she lives long enough but he swallows his tears) he can picture a little girl with honeyed hair and soft laugher and he feels sick), while he will keep walking until his road is cut by a blade.

How sad it all is (but he still has no claim on her no matter how much he grieves so he tries to get over it ( _her_ )).

Hijikata smokes a little bit more every day, and wishes he could be happy for her. He is a selfish man.

(he dreams about her being _only his_ ; not bound by sickness to a peaceful life he can’t give her, not belonging to some man that doesn’t know her like _he_ does, that doesn’t understand half of what she says with just her eyes)

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! this is the first part of something bigge i think tho im not sure when any second part will b happening........


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